Beyond Hearing: The Art of Deep Listening

Most of us know how it feels to have something we need to get off our chest. Sometimes, we want advice or opinions. But, probably more often, we just want to feel heard.

Many of us make an effort to provide this support for the ones we care about. But are we truly listening?

It’s possible to listen in different ways.

Sometimes we need to vent about life and can feel better when a trusted person simply hears and acknowledges it (uh-huh).

Moving into active listening requires us to understand what’s being said (or not said) and also to communicate our understanding. This receiving and responding is the fundamental skill of a helping relationship.

Deep Listening

We can go even further into deep listening. Deep listening can be considered as a slightly altered state of being: a meditative awareness attuned to both self and other. We settle into an experiential sense of who the other person is, and what it’s like to be them.

Active and deep listening help people feel truly understood and accepted – someone else gets it. They start to feel empowered to explore their problems and solutions with greater courage, knowing they are not alone.

Deep listening implies that, once the person has found greater clarity, the power to resolve their problems lies within them and so they don’t need another person to tell them how to improve their life. No advice necessary.

The effective listener enables, supports, and enriches the healing potential for people journeying towards self-discovery and personal growth.

Tuning in

To settle into a deeper mode of listening, we must first ground ourselves in a state of presence and self-awareness. Just being with another, we cultivate our intuition, acceptance, and interconnection. In quiet moments, we can listen beyond the words.

This attitude is similar to the practice of mindfulness, where we choose to see things as they are, without evaluation or judgement.

The self-aware listener will notice their own assumptions or judging thoughts when they arise, objectively noting them and then letting them go.

This is quite different to the listening style we often encounter in daily life, which usually includes evaluation (conscious or unconscious) and the desire to fix or improve things. This usually doesn’t deepen interpersonal communication and understanding.

“Listening deeply is a core aspect of therapeutic work but it is also a life skill anyone can practice.”

The listener should always remember that they too are a human being with conditioned beliefs, changeable expectations, and blindspots. So honest self-reflection is a necessary practice for anyone trying to improve their listening skills. Professional listeners especially should have worked extensively (and continue to) on their own self-discovery and self-management.

Regular mindfulness or contemplative practice is a great way to deepen and maintain this kind of non-judgemental presence and empathy. We can learn to let go of expectation and provide space for the other to find their true voice at a deeper level. There can be profound insight and transformation when the authentic self is recognised in this way.

Are you listening?

Listening deeply is a core aspect of therapeutic work but it is also a life skill anyone can practice. It requires sincere intention, understanding, and effort. When achieved successfully, the effects can be positively transformative for not only the person being heard, but also the listener themselves. Listening connects, and connection can lead to real meaningful change.

On a wider societal level, it’s painfully clear how things can escalate when people don’t listen to each other. Many people are marginalised and their voice is not adequately heard or respected. Without healthy expression, anger and fear lead many to dehumanise “the other”, choosing self-protection over connection.

But meaningful change, understanding, and peace are possible, within and without.

We can all take the courageous steps to communicate and listen deeply, both to ourselves and others, and realise how much we have in common. 

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If you would like support from a psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher, contact Michael to request an appointment. Available in person or online.

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Some further reading recommendations for the topics mentioned:

Dr Tony Bates - Breaking the Heart Open

Thich Nhat Hanh - The Miracle of Mindfulness

Carl Rogers - On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy

Jon Kabat-Zinn - Full Catastrophe Living

Julie Starr - The Coaching Manual

Franklyn Sills - Being and Becoming: Psychodynamics, Buddhism, and the Origins of Selfhood